You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
