is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i dont even know how to be here
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
