Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Randomize
