If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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