He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
