I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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