it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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