you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
