I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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