Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
