if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
