Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
