I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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