my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
