I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
