I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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