Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
