My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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