Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
