Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
FUCK WHALES
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
