I wish I could teleport
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize