I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
