I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
