I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
