I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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