Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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