That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
