just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
