I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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