He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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