Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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