he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
