bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
