I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
