dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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