I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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