Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
