I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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