I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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