If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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