i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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