turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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