why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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