First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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