Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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