Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
