tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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