i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
