the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Randomize
