i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
