Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
