In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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