I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
