Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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