Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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