I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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