maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
