let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
