Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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